Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Foreign and thanks for coming along to the Safeplace Therapy channel today. I'm talking a little bit about an emotional tool or emotional scale that we often use at Safeplace Therapy. My name is Stuart Sheridan and I am one of the owners of Safe Place Therapy and also a mental health social worker. We have another video here already related to emotions and why they exist.
But I wanted to kind of recap or kind of define emotions quickly before we move into the tool. So emotions exist for a reason.
[00:00:43] Speaker B: Right.
[00:00:43] Speaker A: So if we go back to cave people times for a second, big scary monster comes out of the jungle, adrenaline rushes through our body and that's a fear response. Right. So we then choose to run from the monster and, you know, hopefully survive, or we kill other monster and hopefully survive. And that's kind of a fear response.
If we're in the supermarket and someone, you know, steals something from our trolley, we run and chase them because that's unfair. That's what anger is about. So yucky, shitty thing happens in life, or a good thing happens in life, our body responds or reacts with an emotion and the emotion kind of prompts us. There's an action we need to do called an action tendency that we do to help us survive, communicate our needs, communicate what's missing, but then feel understood, have our needs met, and kind of address the problem.
[00:01:40] Speaker B: Right.
[00:01:41] Speaker A: So that's why emotions exist. The real difficulty, though, is when people aren't really tuning into why their emotions are bubbling up, you know, what's going on for them internally. There can be this really big swing from a zero, so no emotion and really can't do it out to 10 out of 10, like freak out, yelling, screaming, etc. Which we often hear about in a, in a counseling.
So today's emotional scale, we often use it with individuals coming who might not have a lot of emotional literacy or understanding of emotions. They might be dealing with some big emotions like anger. You know, that good old phrase anger management gets thrown out there a lot. It's actually more about building a better relationship with emotions, building some vocab, some vocabulary with them, but also how to help clients regulate and build understanding of why they exist and how emotions can be helpful. That's the kind of process we need to start to develop together in session, but also more broadly out there in the community.
[00:02:54] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:02:55] Speaker A: So individuals, it's really helpful. But also with couples, right. Where there is this real escalation happening, shouting, screaming, calling each other names, etc. You know, I often say to my couples that if you're going into a discussion and trying to talk about your needs, but you're at a 10 out of 10, freaking out, you know, really, really big.
You're not going to get hurt.
It's probably not going to turn out well. And you're probably going to leave that chat, that argument, that fight, feeling much, much worse and more disconnected from your partner.
[00:03:35] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:03:36] Speaker A: So we're trying to avoid those 10 out of 10, you know, kind of horrible ex by using this tool, by noticing our different signs of these different numbers and then hopefully regulating better, but also communicating and connecting better with our partner. Just the people around us.
[00:03:57] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:03:58] Speaker A: Okay, so our emotional scale. Let's get to the basics.
At the one end of the scale is zero. Zero is I'm calm, I'm chilled, I'm sweet. There's no kind of emotional bubbling and I feel okay within myself.
[00:04:16] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:04:18] Speaker A: Now a zero might be pretty impossible for some people. Right. Because you're just used to stress. You're just used to some level of anxiety or bubbling that happens.
[00:04:28] Speaker B: Right.
[00:04:28] Speaker A: That's okay. We're all different.
That's one extreme. The other extreme is 10 out of 10. And also a 10 out of 10 can also look different for different people. So for instance, we might have a angry man who screams and shouts at the top of his lungs, breaks things, etc, like really, really big behaviors, loud, etc. A 10 out of 10 for someone else might actually look more like a shutdown more might be more like someone putting a wall up.
[00:05:05] Speaker B: Right.
[00:05:05] Speaker A: And really distancing themselves walking away from the argument. You know, that might be levels of disdain or disgust in the other person. Right. There's this distance, this is pulling back, retreat that they, that they do because there's a lot of emotions, a lot of big stuff going on. Right. So it might look different externally, but internally there might be a lot of similar feelings going on.
So that's our scale. It's really basic, really basic concept. And then I think it's important to understand what your scale looks like, but also what it feels like. Yeah. So 10 out of 10 really angry guy, angry person, screaming, shouting might be a 10 out of 10 for them, but for their partner or officer, someone else, it might be shut down.
Might be something else that they do that's really important to notice but really important to slow down. We want to prevent those tense.
[00:06:16] Speaker B: Right.
[00:06:16] Speaker A: That's the, that's the whole aim of this as a starting point.
So then I'm really curious. Okay, we've got a zero. We've got our ten. What Does a five look like often? A lot of people tell me that they jump from 0 to 10. I need to say that that's pretty impossible.
[00:06:36] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:06:37] Speaker A: Either we're not clued in or we're not kind of really noticing the stress of work or something else is bubbling up at that 5 level before the argument with the partner.
[00:06:51] Speaker B: Right.
[00:06:52] Speaker A: Or before, you know, they said something mean and. And you lost it.
[00:06:57] Speaker B: Right.
[00:06:57] Speaker A: So there's usually a lower number, kind of a point of which we can regulate. And to prevent that, 10 out of 10. Yeah. And then. Yeah. What are those body signs of a 5 or a 6 or a 4 or et cetera. So for some people, it might be a racing heartbeat, it might be all of our muscles are kind of tensing up. It might be that even your language and how you talk changes. So you could be just doing one answer response, one word answers, right? Yes. No, forget about it. You know, huff and puff, you know, or it could be you talk more. Right. That your, your speech is really fast and there's a real edginess and there's anxiety building up. All of this can look differently and, and is individual for everyone. So that's why the scale is important to tune in with your experience of this scale. And also this scale can be for different emotions. So there's their anger. Angry, 0 to 10. There could be anxiety and anxiety scale.
There also could be a sadness or fear scale. That happens for different people. Yeah.
And what we need to really understand is what happens within ourselves as we engage with the world and, you know, get through our day. But also if we are in a partnership, what does bubble up in that dynamic, in that dance between two people that needs to be explored, that might actually be getting in the way of communicating properly or getting our needs met.
So that's a good step one.
[00:08:51] Speaker B: Right.
[00:08:51] Speaker A: What is going on for me? What are the signs that my body, that my brain is giving me when that number is getting up?
But also really curious about what help that helps that number go down.
[00:09:08] Speaker B: Right.
[00:09:08] Speaker A: Again, zero might be impossible, but what helps you get from a 7 to a 6 to a 5?
It might be really impossible to jump way down, but do you need some physical space? Do you need to go for a walk? Do you need to, you know, have a kind of de. Stress time after work, jump in the shower, etc. Listen to some music, have some downtime to get that number down after each working day, you know, so when I talk about this scale, it's not just in the rough and tumble of a fight it's your daily experience.
What's your number generally like at work? What helps you stress less or slow down when you've got a big project done?
I really need to stress this next point, and this point is you are responsible for your number.
You need to learn the signs, the body reactions that are going on internally. And you need to put in place what gets that number down. Yeah. Now let's be really realistic. Obviously that number is going to jump up here and there when you're having a difficult conversation. That doesn't mean we just, you know, chop out all hard conversations because it stresses me out. See you later. No, sorry. You're a human having an adult relationship with someone else, or, you know, you're just being a human engaging in the world. There is some level of distress when we're being vulnerable, when, when we're expressing ourselves.
When we're engaging, though, if a number does rise up to, you know, a six or a seven, etcetera, it's actually okay to press pause.
It's actually okay to just, okay, press pause. Let's clarify what we're fighting about. Let's kind of tune in with where, where we're at, but also creating some trust between the two parties, you know, or people around us personally to go, hey, you know, what's your number right now? You know, I'm noticing you're getting a bit louder. I notice, you know, that you're being a bit short with me. What's your number? What do you need?
Because if both parties can come out of discussion or there can be some attunement right around what's going on, and we slow that down, we're gonna have a better chance of communicating well, being heard better and understood, getting on the same page, but also feel more connected.
Yeah, that's the aim of the game with noticing our emotions, wanting to connect with ourselves, but also the rest of the world is, is. Is because if something is bubbling, we need to address it, we need to understand it and go from there. When you understand those signs, put some things in place to lower that number.
[00:12:21] Speaker B: Right.
[00:12:23] Speaker A: And that's your responsibility to do. Then you're engaging with other people, but settling yourself at the same time. Like there's kind of like this dual process happening. You're settling yourself, you're tuning in with what you need and slowing that down, but also communicating, stepping up, engaging with life, engaging with your partner and trying to do both.
So then it's kind of an open table here about testing different things out to slow that number down.
Seeing what works and things might work in at different times, right. If there's particularly a high stressful thing at work, it might be really hard for you to go do a task that you, you like or do some gaming etc because you're too stimulated. So you actually need a quiet spot where you're reading or you're just having a cup of tea, etc in a dark room, right? To really, you know, taking the time to understand, notice and try something that works.
So this is our, our emotional scale. It's really helpful for lots of different people for so many different reasons. And it's the starting block, kind of step one of tuning in, noticing what's going on, but also having a plan and having some resources, tools that we use to slow that down and engage in a better way.
So over to you, there's a bit of homework in this, right? Learning your numbers, learning what they look like, what they feel like, testing out some different things to help slow that down, communicating your needs and communicating what's helpful.
And then hopefully as you do that work, you're noticing you're naturally karma, you're. You're doing some proactive measures and some reactive measures to keep that regulation happening, to help things slow down, to help things move along in a better way.
So if you've never done this before, it might actually be really helpful to booking a counseling session to talk this through.
If you'd like some more information about us, Safe Place Therapy, we have our website in the description box for you to click on and look through. I'd also encourage you to watch the other videos related to emotions related to communication and get the help that you need specifically.
Everyone struggles with emotions here and there, but counseling is supposed to be very individualized.
Tailoring tools, tailoring things that help you specifically and then getting that support to work through it to develop something, a plan, right? An action plan that helps you out in a better way. Thank you for listening and please take care. Bye for now.
