Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: There may be a lot of reasons that there's a lot of pain that's been formed around this issue, and they just don't want to keep facing it again and again and again.
[00:00:08] Speaker B: Obviously, we kind of put out there that relationship counselling can be part of that change and supporting, but some people are really hesitant doing that in actually reaching out.
[00:00:20] Speaker A: This real sense of being stuck and alone in it. In who do I turn to? What do I do if my partner doesn't want to show up or my partners don't want to show up? And what exactly do I do?
[00:00:33] Speaker B: Hi, everyone.
My name is Stuart Trebuton, and I'm a mental health social worker and owner of Safe Place Therapy. And today we're talking about when a partner wants to engage with couples counseling, but their partner doesn't actually want to attend.
But before we kind of get into that, I want to acknowledge the traditional owners of the land at which we meet today. The lands of the Wurundjeri people.
I pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging. And with us today, we actually have our sexologist and Counselor Daniel DiPietro, with us.
Welcome, Daniel.
[00:01:16] Speaker A: Hello. Yes. Thank you. Thank you for having me.
[00:01:18] Speaker B: Yeah. And this is a different kind of vibe for us to kind of set this up the first time.
[00:01:25] Speaker A: Not on Zoom.
[00:01:26] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:01:26] Speaker A: So it's like, in person. Yes.
[00:01:29] Speaker B: So, yeah, it's a new journey for us, and I think it's time for us to put more investment and time into this because lots of people have actually come to us sharing the positive engagement that we've put out there and actually been drawn to us through YouTube and social. So that's pretty cool.
[00:01:51] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:01:52] Speaker B: Now, in preparation for today, I actually wanted to Google something, and I'm really curious what you think of this.
What do you think is the most romantic animal besides humans? Of course.
[00:02:03] Speaker A: Most romantic animal? I would say it would be a bird of some sort.
Yep. Yeah. Well, she is a bird. Okay. Yes. Yes.
[00:02:13] Speaker B: Why do you say that?
[00:02:14] Speaker A: I got a big fascination with the Animal Planet, and I do know that birds mate for life. A lot of species mate for life there. Yeah.
[00:02:24] Speaker B: Blown away.
The albatross.
[00:02:27] Speaker A: Oh, there you go.
[00:02:29] Speaker B: They do. You know, lots of birds do a lot of kind of mating calls, etc, to, like, get their potential mates attention. But actually, the albatross continues that. So they're, like, pruning their loved one. They're kind of doing the nesting thing. There's this whole lifelong experience of engagement, of checking, in which a lot we talk about in relationship.
[00:02:56] Speaker A: That's beautiful. They're using all the tools.
[00:02:59] Speaker B: That's right. And. And that's a really good segue, I guess, into today's chat around relationship counseling and some of the real difficulties in people wanting to make their relationship better and trying to kind of carve out movement forward and change.
And obviously, we kind of put out there that relationship counseling can be part of that change and support, but some people are really hesitant in doing that, in actually reaching out.
[00:03:35] Speaker A: Definitely.
[00:03:36] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:03:36] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:03:36] Speaker B: What's your experience of maybe at an individual counseling level where a person has said, yeah, we've wanted, or I've wanted to try couples counseling, but my partner just wasn't up for that. What was that like?
[00:03:50] Speaker A: Yeah, I mean, for a lot of folk, it can be a frustrating experience if their partner doesn't want to come, because again, a relationship, it's two people contributing to perhaps this challenge that's formed within the relationship.
And, you know, I always talk about that for perhaps the other person, it's not just as clear cut in terms of that they don't want to attend. There may be a lot of reasons that there's a lot of pain that's been formed around this issue and they just don't want to keep facing it again and again and again.
So it's really, I guess, understanding that it may not just be because a person feels like they don't want to come the other partner. It may be because there's a lot of pain there for the other partner to keep facing. That can be really tough, you know, but for that person that's in therapy, you know, it can be a frustrating experience as well if their partner doesn't want to attend and is perhaps not communicative as to why that is.
[00:04:50] Speaker B: And we will get into some of the reasons why certain partners are hesitant or kind of a firmly, no, I don't want to do couples counseling, but I think it would be good just to spend some time with. With that person who is struggling with the idea that it's not working or it's not going well, and there's this gap, clearly, that they want to address that their partner doesn't want to go there.
[00:05:17] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:05:17] Speaker B: Seems really isolating.
[00:05:19] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. And it really can be. And you know, the thing that we focus on in the work there when that is the case is, you know, so what we have in front of us is you, and the only person that we can work with is you. So what are some things that we can do here that allow you to move forward in your relationship? And perhaps we'll get into that a little bit.
[00:05:41] Speaker B: Yeah. So I think what often happens when there's difficulties in a relationship is the person who wants to engage in counseling. Often there's this kind of protection they also have to do of the relationship. They're pretending things are fine to family or they. They don't want to kind of, you know, throw their partner under the bus, so to speak, and talk about, you know, how they're actually feeling and the problems. So it kind of extra. There's extra reinforcement there of being alone, not being able to share and being stuck.
[00:06:15] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. And this real sense of stuckness. I think that's a really good point. This real sense of being stuck and alone in it and who do I turn to? What do I do if my partner doesn't want to show up or my partners don't want to show up and what exactly do I do?
[00:06:29] Speaker B: So, yeah, let's. Let's move into then some of the reasons why certain people don't engage with couples counseling specifically. So there is the general vibe from an individual counseling perspective where there's issues there around.
Let's start with talking to a stranger. That's kind of argument of they don't know us, they don't know me. How can they help? And I'm wondering what. What is some advice you might give to a partner wanting to bring their partner along. How would you engage with that line of thinking?
[00:07:06] Speaker A: Well, in terms of it being a stranger, it could be along a whole cultural aspect as well in terms of their beliefs around. Where you do present certain issues around the relationship. Where's the appropriateness of that? It's really talking. And I invite the individual who does bring that in. It's really talking about how we are going to move forward in a sense that I. This isn't a judgmental space where it's one side or another. It's me being a friend of the relationship and it really being not a sense of that there's any finger pointing going on. It's really holding the space to see how could I support these people as they come into the room.
[00:07:47] Speaker B: And this might be hard to trust, I guess, for certain people, but the idea of counseling shouldn't be a space of judgment, should be a space of. Of a professional.
[00:07:59] Speaker A: No, no.
[00:08:02] Speaker B: Telling people what to do, telling them the real.
[00:08:04] Speaker A: Yeah, but sometimes it can be for a lot of people who I've seen in this type of work who they feel like that the therapist decided with one person or the other and perhaps didn't feel like they felt like they weren't a friend of the relationship.
[00:08:20] Speaker B: Yeah. And yet quickly people might get their backup, get defensive, and then not feel.
[00:08:26] Speaker A: Like they can openly engage and not trust. And that could be some reasons as to why as well, that partners don't want to perhaps reengage that. They may have tried that once before. All their previous experiences, even in individual therapy, are being perhaps quite direct and not as a holding space for their emotional pain.
[00:08:45] Speaker B: Yeah. Funny story. I was going through good old tick tock and there was this post and literally female. Female person.
[00:08:55] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:08:56] Speaker B: The gender that matters matters too much here. But she literally eyeballed the camera and she said, men do not go to couples counseling. Just do not. Because the. The female partner, apparently them generalizing, not me, said they will go and pick their favorite person who will back them up.
So do not go. Because it doesn't work.
[00:09:17] Speaker A: Right.
[00:09:18] Speaker B: Crazy.
[00:09:19] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. And it really puts in barriers for men trying to also access and work on their relationship.
[00:09:26] Speaker B: Yep. And, you know, there's a. There's kind of a preconceived or pre, like an assumed idea there that let's say this stranger doesn't know how to work with you, or this expert who's done, you know, had experience and worked with many people doesn't know how to help you. Does that actually then mean that you know exactly what to do?
[00:09:48] Speaker A: No, no, no. Exactly right. Exactly right.
[00:09:51] Speaker B: Yeah. So I think that reinforcement of we're fine or that person can't help us reinforces that stuckness. And then you're. You're just in this continual loop of doing the same thing.
[00:10:05] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. And it becomes this repetitive pattern and cyclical pattern for the relationship that, you know, again, perhaps that. That cyclical pattern as to why the other partner doesn't want to come, because it's almost like I have to face this all over again.
[00:10:19] Speaker B: Yep. Which kind of leads nicely into argument two of we're actually fine, you're freaking out, you're making a big deal of blah or me not taking the rubbish out, et cetera. We're fine. We've got a house, we've got kids, we've got, you know, we're okay. Financially, we're fine.
[00:10:40] Speaker A: But that's one person's perspective.
[00:10:42] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:10:43] Speaker A: And I always say, you know, when it comes to. And I've done before in the, the podcast here, the, the card deck where, you know, there's two subjective sides of an event and, you know, we don't necessarily need to agree with the facts in terms of the materialistic real world. Stuff, but perhaps can we really attune to the emotional aspect and. And validate some of the emotional aspect of the other partner? Clearly my partner's having a really hard time. Right. Even though we do have this lovely house. Even though, you know, the, the garbage, you know, for most of the time does get taken out. Right.
And it's almost like. Yeah, there's. My partner's still upset and I'm curious. I'm wanting to understand why and validate.
[00:11:27] Speaker B: See another kind of presumption that because you feel right, that person feels right and we're okay, that it. That it should be fin.
Yeah. And I think that's the kind of fundamental thing that we often talk about in couples counseling is being right and winning an argument. It doesn't actually really get you anywhere.
[00:11:48] Speaker A: No. And it becomes a little bit of a tally port.
[00:11:50] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:11:51] Speaker A: And the only person that loses or thing that loses is the relationship.
[00:11:56] Speaker B: Yeah. Cost of accounting, that's another one that often comes up.
[00:11:59] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:12:00] Speaker B: As you know, that's. That's either a waste of money or we don't have the money, or, you know, we've got mortgages and etc. Etc. How do you see with that?
[00:12:11] Speaker A: Yeah, I mean, that's a really difficult one because understandably that would add extra stress onto a relationship. Now, I always advocate that some support is better than no support.
And whether or not that's us talking the space or having a bit of a consultation beforehand of can we put this in maybe at a month or a month and a half at least having something, and then once your financial situation improves, you know, then we could perhaps look at something a little bit more shorter term in terms of the frequency of the appointments.
[00:12:44] Speaker B: And I think people might see that invoice or that kind of couples counselling bill, which it is unfortunate that Medicare doesn't cover it. And you know, that that makes things hard for people.
But I guess if we think about it, if your relationship is on the rocks and not doing great, I'm going to make some safe guesses here. Maybe one or both of you slept on the couch a few nights and your sleep is really poor because the relationship's great. Not great. Maybe you're eating more junk food, maybe you're drinking more. Like there's. There's this kind of flow on effect. I think that does cost.
[00:13:19] Speaker A: Yes. Yes. Right. Yeah.
[00:13:20] Speaker B: And plus the emotional pain.
[00:13:22] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:13:22] Speaker B: Holding this.
[00:13:23] Speaker A: Yeah, definitely. And the emotional pain is a real big one. Yeah.
[00:13:28] Speaker B: Okay.
Yeah. So I guess what we're. We are kind of pulling apart a Few of those lines of arguments. And. And here's the thing. If someone really doesn't want to go to counseling, we can't force them.
You know, there has been times where a couple has come in and, you know, one partner is. You can literally. It's almost like they're literally dragging their feet in this room. Yes. We don't want that for people.
And.
[00:13:55] Speaker A: And that's not a good experience for either person.
[00:13:58] Speaker B: Yeah. And then that becomes a very much like, they dragged me here. I actually don't want to be here. I've already got one foot out the door, just go kind of thing.
And then for. For us as counselors, too, it doesn't leave a whole lot of space to make it work.
[00:14:18] Speaker A: Because for therapy to actually work, there needs to be willingness and being readily able to.
Right. But the willingness is a really big component there that it doesn't really take hold. Or the work that we'd be doing won't really take hold unless there's a willingness on both ends or, you know, multiple ends, depending what the partnership structure looks like.
[00:14:41] Speaker B: So often what. What we talk about, our reception team talks about, and even in a relationship setting or individual counseling is if you are struggling with encouraging a partner to come, maybe it would be a really good start for that individual to come first on their own. And that might eventuate to couples counseling, which is kind of where we want to go. If your parties are up for it. But just getting someone in your partner at the start.
[00:15:11] Speaker A: Yeah, definitely. And someone who is going to be a support for the relationship. And I really emphasize this because sometimes what could happen is that when people try and get support, whether that be through friends.
Friends are really good in terms of that they will stick up for you no matter what. Typically. Right. But sometimes that could cause. Be at the end of bashing the relationship.
[00:15:33] Speaker B: Yep. Right.
[00:15:35] Speaker A: And that puts a little bit of. A little bit, if not a significant negative perspective as to what the relationship actually it's. And starts putting more things into that cauldron in terms of, you know, should I be in this? What am I in this for? My friends are kind of validating what my, you know, interferes are around this.
[00:15:55] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:15:55] Speaker A: Yeah. So just having someone that is really even keel in terms of understanding that there's a lot of pain there for you, but, you know, that this. This is a partnership challenge. And, you know, we're looking at this with an even keel.
[00:16:10] Speaker B: And another kind of theme that is brought into couples counseling is maybe one partner or both partners actually don't Know whether they want to put the work in. Actually, the, the visual, the analogy I give to lots of couples in session one is it's like the three of us are viewing this mountain that we need to climb to get to a better relationship together. Relationship 2.0. And, and we need to see the size of it, how ready are we to start climbing, but also the amount of effort needed and willingness to start climbing. And for some people, the mountain's too bloody big.
[00:16:52] Speaker A: Yeah. And in my work with relationships, I use a little bit of a relationship assessment in terms of, you know, really highlighting what we're kind of looking at. You know, I can't have a magic wand and tell you how, how long it will be, but I could give a guessam and depending on what the partnership brings in in terms of what they're kind of looking at for the work. And typically when there's trust or needing a trust rebuild or repair, that's typically long term work.
[00:17:22] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:17:22] Speaker A: Within partnership therapy. So I really make it clear in terms of, you know, what we're looking at and as you said, you know, relationship mountain. Can we climb this together? Is there a willingness to climb this together? Perhaps knowing that this is long term.
[00:17:38] Speaker B: Work and just by coming to a counseling session with a partner doesn't mean you actually have to sign up. I know that sounds strange, but, you know, I often say we have three options in life, pretty much always do nothing. So literally just keep doing the same merry go thing. Merry go round thing. Two, do something different, which effectively that's what couples counseling, individual counseling is all about. And three is leave.
[00:18:06] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:18:06] Speaker B: Leave that relationship, leave that situation and walk away if that's what you really need to do. But option two is an interesting one because if you do decide to leave option three, what I say in session one is I want you to leave this relationship with your head held high, knowing you tried, knowing you tried different things. You break down some of the patterns that you show up with in the relationship and try to differently.
And then you've, you can say you've tried.
[00:18:40] Speaker A: Yeah. And you know that I agree with that. And also, you know, for some folk, I feel that there may be a sense of, in that griefing, grief process, the sense about what could I have done? And kind of go back to the very beginning. Right. But again, yeah, it's important that they have this sense of that we've given this a try and the best try that we can.
[00:19:02] Speaker B: Yeah. So, yeah, all this is kind of great, the idea of, you know, both partners and there's a, there was, there's a willingness to connect and talk. But now, yeah, let's kind of move in. You've. You've done some specific training around an individual coming where the partner doesn't want to attend.
[00:19:20] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. So I'm trained further in individual therapy for couples problems. So with that, it's when one partner is feeling that they don't want to enter the partnership space, it may be too much for them emotionally.
It may be that it will be too financially costly for them and cause further stress. So how I work with that is that I work with the individual for a first session, just getting an understanding as to what it is that they're seeing, seeing as the challenge within the relationship. And it's really focused around how I could work with that person using some of the Gutman methods, which is the four horsemen. So picking up on things like criticism. And this is just for the individual. So, you know, what are some words that they may say that can come out as criticizing? So those kind of you statements instead of the I statements, you know, you statements, very loaded and pointed, you know, defensiveness. So, you know, how are we taking accountability for things that we have done that have hurt our partners emotionally?
We got contempt as well. So, you know, core contempt. And the Gottmans do as well as one of the heavier horsemen here. And it could really influence how someone perceives a relationship. So is it that, for instance, you know, you may be lying with your partner in bed and they wake up and they go, typically, if you'd be looking at the relationship in a positive light, you may be thinking a few things. You know, have they had a restless night's sleep? No. Are they coming down with something? Are they sick? You know, poor things may have a tough day today. But if you're perhaps holding some contempt or viewing the relationship in a negative light, it's, oh, God, here we go again.
[00:21:06] Speaker B: Right?
[00:21:06] Speaker A: It's what have I done now?
Yeah. Why are they always sighing?
Right? So it's working with that sense of contempt and building a culture of appreciation. And then the self soothing aspect's really big. And that, that's something that a lot of partnerships, particularly when in high conflict or challenges within the relationship, really can struggle with. Right. And they could either be, you know, flying off the rail, so to speak, emotionally, and, you know, there's a lot of tears, there's a lot of shouting. It feels like the tears don't stop. Right. Or there's some sort of overregulation where it's like a Lid goes on and we shut down. So it's learning how we could really sit with what our needs are in those emotions and then being able to speak them to significant others. So I work in. In that sort of way in the individual therapy for couples problems. And in the second session, I'd invite the partner to come in, not as a part of the therapy session, but in terms of we are doing relationship therapy with them in. But it's more for me to get a bit of an understanding as to how they perceive some of the challenges and perhaps what is important for me to notice or to know about their significant other. And that is done in a real collaborative way where I would typically reach out with permission of both parties there and make contact and organize that for the next session. And what typically I find happens there is that when you are doing that individual work, that person starts modeling some of the relationship work, so to speak, to their partner, and their partner kind of starts buying in, so to speak, and starts replicating some of those behaviors. And not just that. It can leave that willingness and openness to come in. You know, I've seen you work with Stu or I've seen you work with Daniel, and wow, what changes.
Right? And give me some of that.
Right? Yeah.
[00:23:06] Speaker B: Some of the good stuff.
[00:23:07] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:23:08] Speaker B: Yeah. Okay. So, yeah, that kind of second session is that partner who doesn't want to attend couples.
[00:23:15] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:23:15] Speaker B: Just.
I guess you're also giving them a snapshot or a small window, too, to experience it.
You know, again, not necessarily sign up completely.
[00:23:26] Speaker A: That's right. And that I am actually a friend of the relationship.
[00:23:31] Speaker B: Yep.
[00:23:32] Speaker A: If things start to turn into. Because it can do it start to turn into a bit of a relationship session. I really put a pause on it. So now the person is at ease that this will not turn into a relationship session here. But it also gives them a snapshot that my goal here is to actually help the relationship, not to pit one person against each other. And that brings a lot of ease for the partner and can de. Escalate things at home. Just knowing that my partner is seeing someone that doesn't see me as the enemy.
[00:24:01] Speaker B: Yep. There's much less chance of them feeling like they're. They're turning up with their laundry list. I call them.
[00:24:08] Speaker A: That's right.
[00:24:09] Speaker B: Problem.
[00:24:09] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:24:10] Speaker B: Okay.
And then that idea, I guess, of, let's say there is certain contempt or things that the. The attempting partner comes and talks to you about, but there's quite a lot of fear in trying to engage their partner around that. Like, I wonder how you sit with the apprehension of this is going on.
And I really don't know how to handle that when it's happening.
[00:24:42] Speaker A: So again, you know, it's. It's not making it into a therapy session if the attending partner is just attending.
So it is, it is recognizing that. Yeah. This sounds like it's very tough for both of you. Right. And it sounds like that what we need to work on for me and the client here is to work on ways how to self soothe here so that things don't become quite escalated at home.
[00:25:09] Speaker B: Yeah. So the client continues to be the relationship even with that.
[00:25:13] Speaker A: That's right.
[00:25:14] Speaker B: Individual attend.
[00:25:15] Speaker A: Yeah, perfectly said.
[00:25:16] Speaker B: Yeah, gotcha. Okay, so then that frames that up for that non attending person to be aware of that attend in that very specific kind of one session.
[00:25:29] Speaker A: That's right. Yeah, that's right.
[00:25:31] Speaker B: Okay. So yeah. What if that second partner doesn't attend? Does that shift ends again?
[00:25:35] Speaker A: And you know, it gives me a bit of a snapshot when the other partner comes in. It, it can shift things. As I said, you know, when the second part. Sorry. When the attending partner comes in, it can de. Escalate things at home because they see that I'm actually not kind of making them the enemy there. But you know, I've worked in cases where one, the attending partner just didn't want to turn up and that's okay too. You know, it's hard, it's hard being in the room hearing your partner's pain.
Yeah. And that's completely understandable. So it's really then us working through it. And I always invite, you may want to share just what you've worked on today with your partner and what that helps with is that it's a real focus on me and the client and what their role is within certain aspects of the relationship. Yeah. So that when they kind of debrief that it's a sense about I'm able to be safe and I'm able to be vulnerable and that this is safe for me. Being vulnerable with you. Yeah. Because it's not like I'm saying Stu or Daniel said that you know, you need to do this, this, this. It's, you know, Stu or Daniel said, you know, that we need to really kind of check in with ourselves and notice that when we're becoming dysregulated and here are some steps that I learned in session or you know, we reflected that I use a lot of you statements and you know, I really work today and, and use those I statements and I'm really keen on practicing that with you.
[00:27:07] Speaker B: Okay. And then. Yeah. What if that second partner doesn't want to borrow that, doesn't want to come to that, that kind of second session, doesn't want to engage with those tools that the first partner, you know, dug into?
What then.
[00:27:23] Speaker A: Yeah, it makes it hard. Right. In terms of, I guess, the flow of the therapy. The therapy could still be quite effective, but obviously if the other partner isn't willing to engage, even hear about what may be happening in the therapy space, it can. Can be quite difficult. But it doesn't mean it's not impossible.
[00:27:42] Speaker B: Yep.
[00:27:43] Speaker A: It just means that the work can be slower.
[00:27:46] Speaker B: Yep. And I guess another kind of preconceived idea people have about couples dancing specifically is that a therapist will tell someone they have to end it, that it's a very. Oh, this is a good relationship, not good relationship. And, you know, I'm telling you to leave them. Yeah. But that's not the case.
[00:28:07] Speaker A: No. And how could we ever, you know, we're not in that relationship. We don't know their whole relationship ins and outs and all the nuances that they shared together. We're just journey people or journey folk on their experiences. Yeah, yeah. So it's really that. That they're kind of the experts on their relationship, but where we're kind of guiding them through different processes there.
[00:28:31] Speaker B: Yeah. I think that framework of one partner coming and the other not framing it as your client is the relationship really kind of reinforces that you're not here to end it, not here to try to work on it.
[00:28:50] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. That, that we, you know, here is some ways moving forward. You know, this is what I'm hearing about some of the challenges of the relationship and speaking about it from the relationship, not one person or the other. And these are some ways that we can move forward.
[00:29:05] Speaker B: Yeah. And if that person does continue, want to continue in that relationship despite there being some, you know, good old horsemen showing up, etc, that is their choice.
And it is then your job, our job to still be in that person's corner, still talk about what. What they need and tools to help them continue that.
[00:29:29] Speaker A: Yeah, definitely. Definitely. And, you know, on to, I guess, us not being the person to say, you know, you need to end this relationship now. For some folk, when they're in a lot of pain, they could sometimes end the relationship prematurely and then they could reconnect. And for some folk who feel like that the. Their therapist has always been against the relationship could be quite a shaming experience. And it's almost then that it Stops them coming back to continue that repair on the relationship. And relationships have natural ebbs and flows as well. And in those moments where there is high conflict, there are those, you know, ebbs. But it's a place that we could come back to and there's still ways that we can repair that. It's okay that there was that break for that period of time. It doesn't mean we can still continue.
[00:30:19] Speaker B: Yeah. And I guess it's really important here to be clear that, you know, family violence does occur.
[00:30:26] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:30:26] Speaker B: Violence from. From a partner, abuse of kind of different forms. And if we are aware of that, or even. Even this idea of that second partner not wanting to.
I think it is important to give space for what is going on in that relationship for you and actually giving some resources or further information about what is abuse, what is it, or some of the flags that might be present.
And that partner might not disclose specific abuse, per se, but there might be some signs there that need further exploration.
[00:31:05] Speaker A: Yeah. And to. Exactly what you said. To have that space, to really explore it, for it to kind of be named as well, in terms of, you know, that this isn't something that they're being. I'm going mad over that. I'm questioning what this actually is because my partner or whatever may be saying something different and providing those supports, as you said, that if they want to reach out in between sessions or, you know, that they want to contact someone immediately, that they have those resources there.
[00:31:33] Speaker B: And just to cut to, if you are experiencing any kind of abuse, whether it be physical or sexual or any kind of abuse, please reach out to 1-800-Respect or even a phone service like Lifeline can be actually really helpful just to start that conversation. I think. I think we know as therapists that there can be a really big gap of going to a physical counselling space. Yeah. Starting that big conversation of what's happening. So I also think it's important to, you know, anyone listening or you might share this with a friend that might be having a difficult time. Start a conversation.
[00:32:13] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:32:14] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:32:14] Speaker A: Yeah. And again, 1-800-Respect is great. Even just contacting them and starting that conversation, it is a big leap. But, you know, it does provide a sense of safety and a safe space to actually talk.
[00:32:27] Speaker B: And again, they, too, don't push people to leave or.
[00:32:31] Speaker A: No.
[00:32:31] Speaker B: Or it's actually about assessing what's actually going on and really building concepts and ideas on what's possible for that person. Going through that and then. Yeah. Thinking about safety, planning, thinking about what that person's Threshold is on leaving the household or getting further support if it escalates.
[00:32:55] Speaker A: Yeah. And it's. It's important to understand where's that line in the sand, too.
[00:32:59] Speaker B: Yeah. So, yeah, we are talking about a lot here, and I don't think we can cover every situation.
And, you know, leaning into counseling as a concept or never coming or never been before, it is important to find a right fit. I think back to that kind of stranger argument.
Sometimes we might not be the right fit. And that's okay too, right?
[00:33:24] Speaker A: Yeah, that's definitely okay. And in my first sessions, I always say, you know, I'm. I may not be the best fit for you both, or, you know, whatever the structure is, you know, I may not be the best fit, but I like to help you find someone that is.
[00:33:36] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:33:37] Speaker A: Because I want you both to succeed or the structure here to succeed.
And that's okay. That if the first time you go to a partnership counselor or therapist or even the second or third time, that. That you can still look at. It's half of it, I feel, is finding the person that you feel understands your relationship and is on your side that you really fit with.
[00:33:58] Speaker B: Yep. And this might sound counterintuitive, but it's also okay to think about what you want in a couple's counseling kind of dynamic. Maybe there might be things that might feel too hard to talk about, straightened up, or you want to kind of box up for now and. And test Daniel out.
That's okay. I think, like, yes, there might be a need to access those boxes and those things because there is a lot of pain there. And moving to that new relationship, you have to go there at some point. But initially, it could be about tool building. Initially, it could be about what is your household like right now.
[00:34:37] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah, definitely. And on the tool building, that's a lot of the itcp, the Individual Therapy for Couples problems. It's really about how we build tools and how we kind of model that for the relationship as well.
[00:34:50] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah. It's a really good segue. We're actually doing something really new and something that a lot of clinics out there actually don't do and putting a lot of these tools on our YouTube channel.
So people are interested in exploring just concepts and ideas. We need to note, though, that jumping onto these tools won't fix your relationship per se. There's always other layers and things and context that we need to explore in a. In a couples counseling space.
But it can be a really good start to start conversations and get people thinking about what is happening that could be tweaked or worked on better to get the ball rolling. So jump on our psychotherapy YouTube channel and you'll find a bunch of our tools in our short videos there. But, yeah, wrapping this all kind of together. We've talked about this, this really challenging problem of couples counseling as a really hesitant theme for lots of people, and then one person specifically struggling with wanting and needing change and then having a partner that's really hesitant. So, yeah, what. What would you like to say to those people kind of as a summary? Daniel?
[00:36:07] Speaker A: Yeah. So, you know, I know that coming to any partnership space can feel like we are rocking the boat, so to speak, and I know that it can be quite challenging. But just as a bit of a check in, come down and see us here at Safeplace Therapy. Or if you as an individual want to come down for some itcp, come see myself here at Safeplace Therapy, and we could just explore this really slowly and safely here in the space together. And that you don't. You both don't have to be alone in this pain. I'd really encourage anyone out there who's struggling just to kind of take that first leap and know that here at Safe Place Therapy, a friend of your relationship.
[00:36:48] Speaker B: Thanks for today.
[00:36:49] Speaker A: Thanks, J. Yeah.
[00:36:51] Speaker B: And yeah, if you'd like to reach out to us, even just to have a conversation, that's completely fine. And Safe Place Therapy will continue to be your safe place to talk. If you like this video, please give us a like. Subscribe. Share with your friends. We really want to get this information out there and start some of those tricky conversations that are often left not being talked about. So please take care and bye for now.
